A turkey that's about to become Christmas dinner takes hostages.

All Roy Brush wants is to be the greatest footballer in the world. When he rises to national hero status after saving a young man from drowning and secures a European Cup Final trophy for England, it seems the sky's the limit to the fame he can achieve. But one painful secret-- and one astute newspaper reporter from The Scum-- stand between him and his goal.

John Major rises above his humble beginnings as a mediocre clown in a circus family when he sets out to pursue his dream of becoming a Tory bureaucrat and forges a career in the political circus. Torn between two worlds, his life becomes a balancing act.